Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking Back on 2013

What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

I am sad to say that I don't believe I have experienced anything I haven't before. I'll have to give this some more thought.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I do not remember a time where I made new year's resolutions and I won't be changing this in the upcoming year. I have goals, but I feel like making new year's resolutions is setting me up for failure. 

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year.

Did anyone close to you die?

No, although the loss I went through in 2011 feels like it was this year, as if it just happened.

What countries did you visit?


What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013

More hope and motivation.

What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I am terrible with dates. There are things I've done that I will remember, but the dates upon which these things happened will remain fuzzy.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My biggest would probably be starting therapy for my depression and anxiety. 

What was your biggest failure?

Missing my second therapy appointment. I probably could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?

I continue to suffer from many mental illnesses.

What was the best thing you bought?

The best thing? My snaktebites. I love them so much. I feel like I'm a little closer to being the person I want to be.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

This is a tough one. I think maybe my mom's.

Whose behavior made you appalled?

There are several people, but I won't name names. I only hope that in 2014 they learn a little from their mistakes.

Where did most of your money go?

Most of my money was either spent on hair dye or books. I tried really hard not to spend too much this year.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My sister moving back home. I knew I'd finally have someone to spend time with. 

What song will always remind you of 2013?

Something by Imagine Dragons, Ed Sheeran, or Fall Out Boy.

Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

I would say happier. Not by a whole lot, but at least a little.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent more time outside.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I had spent a lot less time in bed.

How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas eve was spent with my mom's side of the family as usual. I think it was probably the best Christmas I've had in the past couple years. Christmas day my immediate family spent the morning together and then we went to visit my grandpa and spent some time with my dad's side of the family.

Did you fall in love in 2013?

Thankfully no I didn't. I am still a long ways from being ready for a relationship.

What was your favorite TV program?

The Walking Dead!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. There's no one I dislike now that I didn't this time last year.

What was the best book you read?

I really liked the Hunger Games, Looking for Alaska and The Fault in our Stars.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ed Sheeran and Imagine Dragons. I absolutely love them.

What did you want and get?

More than anything I wanted to find some hope and I got just that.

What did you want and not get?

I would've liked to be able to take a vacation. Perhaps next year?

What was your favorite film of this year?

Tough one. I could not even begin to pick one!

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My sister living back in Bird City.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Whatever I grabbed out of my closet. I always wore a t-shirt and shorts.

What kept you sane?

I'm probably wearing this answer out, but my sister. I cannot stress enough how much having her home has helped me.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Gavin Free maybe?

What political issue stirred you the most?

Too many. I try to stay out of big debates.

Who did you miss?

My friend, Michael and my brother in law Spencer.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Small victories eventually lead to big victories. Never downplay what you accomplish.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

My Dream Job

What is Your Dream Job and Why?

My dream job seems to change at least every week, but one thing in the past year has always stuck. I discovered the Rooster Teeth Youtube channel and every video I watch only makes me want to be a part of that family. I use the term family because everyone there seems to get along and have a really great relationship. To be surrounded by such creative, nice and simply amazing people makes working there really appealing to me. Coworkers could very easily make your job better or make it hell.

There are also a lot of travel opportunities there. They attend conventions all around the world and if you know me then you know I want to see the world. But then again, most people do right?

All that being said, I am not sure that I will ever really pursue a job there. I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the type of work they do. I've never had the chance to dabble in any of the things they make.

The Rooster Teeth Youtube Channel - (X) and website (X)

I have plenty of other jobs that I would love to do. I've always thought being a photographer, a dog behaviorist, actress, vet, artist, singer, marine biologist, alternative model, wildlife rehabilitator, animal cruelty investigator, and so much more would be really cool. I feel like picking one thing is going to be tough. I want to experience anything and everything. Guess we'll have to wait and see what the future holds for me :)

Next Post: What are 5 Passions You Have?

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)
Blog 3 - Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents (X)
Blog 4 - 10 Things I Would Tell My 16 Year-Old Self (X)
Blog 5 - 5 Things That Make Me Most Happy Right Now (X)
Blog 6 - What Is The Hardest Thing You've Experienced? (X)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Hardest Thing I've Experienced

What is the Hardest Thing You've Ever Experienced?

In my 17 (almost 18 years) of life I've experience a lot of hard things. Some things I feel as if no one should ever have to go through in the entirety of their lives. That being said choosing the hardest thing was fairly easy. Let me take you back 5 years ago.

My stomach drops as I see the cops pull up and park in front of my house. I know it's going to be one of those days. I cannot resist going to school now. After all we all know it's never a good idea to run from a cop. A knock on the door and I quickly brush my hair, throw on some clothes and walk out the door to the cop car. He gives me some advice and I just nod my head. As I arrive to class after checking in at the office I can feel everyone's stares as I gather my things.

That was a typical day for me. If i was blessed enough to not have a cop show up at my door I fought with my parents every morning. Try as they might they couldn't even drag me out the door. And when I say drag I literally mean physically drag me out the door. I was strong enough and big enough that even when they both tried to drag me out the door they couldn't do it. 

It didn't take me long to be truant and facing going to court. No matter how many times I tried to explain that I was having serious issues, no one really understood. It took me a trip to a mental hospital before my mom finally decided I wasn't just being stubborn. 

Even after my mom understood that something was going on I still struggled going to school and eventually left the public school I went to and started an online school. My problems with my anxiety and depression persisted and eventually I dropped out of school altogether. 

Currently I have started some therapy for my 'issues' and I hope to go back to school maybe next year and get my life back on track.

Next post: What is Your Dream Job and Why?

Blog 1- 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)
Blog 3 - Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents (X)
Blog 4 - 10 Things I Would Tell My 16-Year-Old Self (X)
Blog 5- 5 Things That Make Me Most Happy Most Happy Right Now (X)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

5 Things That Make Me Happy

Day 5 - What Are 5 Things That Make You Most Happy Right Now?

  1. I finally have a friend. My sister being home has been so good for me.
  2. I am finally letting go of some of the anger and hate I have towards those who have mistreated me in the past.
  3. Ed Sheeran's music
  4. When I have really bad days I can always count on Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter videos to cheer me up. I've read things in the past that a certain band or person has saved someone and never really understood how that could happen until I watched an Achievement Hunter video and laughed when I never thought I would again. I will be forever grateful to them.
  5. Tumblr. I love having a social networking site that is 100% me. How I feel, what I want, what I like. It's nice to be able to find people who are similar to you.

Next post: What is the hardest thing you've experienced?

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)

Blog 3 - Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents (X)
Blog 4 - 10 Things I Would Tell My 16-Year-Old Self (X)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

To My 16-Year-Old Self

Day 4 - List 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16-Year-Old Self

  1. Don't give up hope that you'll find help for you anxiety and depression.
  2. Stop watching so much T.V.
  3. PLEASE start painting and drawing again.
  4. Also PLEASE start reading again.
  5. Even if most days you don't feel like getting up, showering and putting on makeup might boost your mood.
  6. Pets are lovely things but honestly you don't need any more.
  7. Try your best not to get upset with the people who don't understand what you're going through. They just want to help.
  8. Thinking about your ex-boyfriend is a waste of time. Don't bother.
  9. Go outside and walk or even just sit. Too much time inside is unhealthy.
  10. You're beautiful, even though you don't think so most of the time.

Next post: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)
Blog 3 - Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents (X)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

My Relationship With My Parents

Day 3 - Describe You Relationship With Your Parents

When I was a toddler I feel as though I didn't have a good relationship with my parents, as I was always throwing tantrums and being mad at them. I am definitely glad I grew out of that! Even though I was quite an angry, tantrum throwing kid I spent most of my time with my dad. I was always wearing hats like him and 'helping' him work. As time passed and my mom was away from home keeping my sister company in the hospital I feel as though I grew much more attached to my mom, since she was gone a lot when I was young. With my anxiety and depression I feel as though my mother understands why I can't function properly, where as my dad, just doesn't quite seem to grasp it. I know my mom will always be there for me when I need her. I also know that she continues to seek a therapist for me that will help me learn skills to cope with my anxiety and depression. Even though I feel closer to my mom I still think I have a fairly good relationship with my dad (most of the time). I still occasionally help him work and enjoy spending time with him doing things that my mom doesn't. Dad isn't much of an open book with his emotions, but I understand. I think I inherited that from him. All in all though, I have a fairly good relationship with my parents. We have our rough spots, but all parents and their children do!

Love you mom and dad! <3

Next post - List 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 year-old self, if you could

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

3 Fears

Describe 3 fears and explain how they became fears

This is an exceptionally hard blog post for me. I am scared of just about everything, so picking only 3 things is going to be challenging.

  1.  Snakes! I hate snakes! The way they move gives me the creeps! My mom also hates snakes and I think her hatred of them rubbed off on me. Or maybe it was because I kept stepping on them. I'm completely fine with snakes as long as they are in a cage or if I'm just looking at pictures of them. They are gorgeous animals, but I would never have one as a pet.
  2. I get really afraid of not being able to find a way to get past my anxiety and depression. If I can't get over them I will never make something of my life and growing up I always had big plans. This fear started when I had to drop out of high school because I couldn't keep up with my school work because I just didn't care whether I passed or not. It soon became clear to me that not any time soon would I be able to return to school.
  3. Since I have agoraphobia, I am TERRIFIED of leaving my house and being in public/open spaces. As stated in day one, there was a time when I hadn't left my house for three months. Often times I have terrible panic attacks when I go out. I have to take Xanax and sometimes that doesn't even calm me down enough. In school I had a rough time with classmates. I never really fit in. A lot of days I would fake being sick so I wouldn't have to go and face the other kids. One day I faked being sick and stayed home. I also did it the next day, and after that it escalated into me refusing to go at all. After dropping out of public school and starting online schooling, I never really had to leave my house, which I can only guess allowed my phobia to worsen. 

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)

Monday, July 1, 2013

20 Facts

My sister, Nikki, is apparently doing another 30 day challenge on her blog, so I decided why not do it too! I'll probably quit in a few days, but oh well!

Day 1 - List 20 random facts about you

1. My sister calls me Fishman due to a typo I made a year or so ago. Instead of saying 'I thought it was a man with a fish' I said, "I thought I was a man with a fish". Unfortunately the nickname Fishman stuck.

2. If I could have any job in the world I'd either be an actress or an alternative model.

3. I have generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety, agoraphobia, and major depression. I'm not entirely convinced that I don't have other disorders as well.

4. Growing up I never really had any friends and it used to bother me. Now I prefer the solitude.

5. I am currently saving my money so I'll be able to go to Ireland in 2-3 years.

6. One time I didn't leave my house for around 3 months.

7. I have a love hate relationship with snakes.

8. While it seems most girls/boys my age (17) want to have a relationship, I could care less.

9. I am truly fascinated by paranormal things. I am not sure if I believe in ghosts/demons etc. but I want to.

10. I wish I had the power to change the world I live in. I love the idea of living in a world like Supernatural. For those of you who don't know Supernatural is a tv show.

11. If I'm not the best at something I enjoy doing, I feel as though I'm terrible at it. Even if people tell me otherwise.

12. I spend a lot of time indoors, but my favorite place to be is outside exploring new places.

13. Some people consider me dying my hair colors such as blue or red as crazy, but I'd like to take it a step further and shave half my head or have dreadlocks.

14. I only have my ears pierced, but there are 7 other piercings I want.

15. I want to cover nearly my whole body in tattoos.

16. I like to consider myself a closed book, but in reality, I'd spill my heart out to anyone willing to listen.

17. I would like to learn how to be a taxidermist.

18. One day I might have pointed ears and fangs.

19. Watching fish swim is very relaxing to me.

20. I would love to partake in some extreme sports, like skydiving, bungee jumping etc

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Open Your Eyes

I don't think people fully grasp what my depression does to me. Everyone seems to expect me to do a lot like nothing is wrong. I would still be in school if I cared enough to get up and actually do things. My days are spent laying in bed because I have no motivation to do anything else. If I get up it's only because I have to... and those are the good days. Don't ask me if I help my mom out by cooking dinner or cleaning and make me feel like an asshat when I say no. My everyday is hard enough without your disapproving look.
I truly wish people would stop taking my existence for granted. One day I'm here and the next I could be gone, so please don't make this harder than it already is.