Friday, October 26, 2012

Welcome To The Future

I am 95.64% sure that I'm done hoping that I get this anxiety issue sorted out. Most of the time I've said I'm done trying, but this is a bit different. This time this isn't the depression talking. This decision hasn't been made because I'm having a rough time. I'm still completely open to trying to fight through it. I am, however, done with hoping we're going to find a way for me to get over it.  The frustration of not getting any where has just finally worn me down to a point where I'm just going to accept that I'm going to be 40 years old and still living in this poor excuse for a town. People will probably say there's hope and there's a solution.. maybe there is, but I'm looking at the past 4-5 years of my life and there's been no progress made. In fact things have become worse. What makes everyone think that someday I'll find a solution to this? I can't keep hoping that someone's going to find an answer. It leads to too much frustration, disappointment, and anger.

Once upon a time I had things figured out. Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and who I was going to be. I was excited to grow up and start my life. My goals were completely reachable. Of course that was before my life completely fell apart. My future now has become so much different. Instead of going to college, I'll be lucky if I even finish high school. Instead of moving a few states away or halfway across the US, I'll be lucky if I ever move out of my parents house. Instead of helping save animals around the world, I'll be lucky if I can even save myself. Accepting that this has become what my future looks like is hard. I try not to think about it too much. It wouldn't change, even if I did. So welcome to the future Shayna. Seems like you have a lot to look forward to.