Monday, July 23, 2012

Goodbye's are Always the Hardest

Most people that know me at least a little know that social interaction isn't a big part of my life, but over the past 7 or so months I've become attached to the extra person I got to spend my days with. Someone other than just my parents. Someone to do stuff with, a friend. The time we have together has now come to an end and dealing with this is almost impossible.
It's hard to breathe through the lump in my throat. The next few days will be... interesting. She's not even gone and I don't feel like eating.. moving.. doing anything but sleeping. Now normally I would just say this is because I'm tired, but I know this time I won't wake up with the energy to face the day and my anxiety, I know I will be reduced to the lifeless zombie I used to be. I cannot fathom how I survived day to day without giving into my inner demons. I wish I didn't have to go back to that.
However that's life.. my life at least and until I can find a little bit of hope and light again, I will merely exist, locked in a battle with my own mind.
So hopefully this got across how rough things are for me right now, and well if it didn't oh well.. To my friends online I'll be back when I can be.


Thanks for bringing a little light to the darkness. :) 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

One More Time

I'm sitting here staring at the medication on the floor, debating whether or not I should bother taking it. She's leaving and I know it won't matter if I take it or not when she's gone. I'm going to be depressed. That's just that. Things are simply losing all meaning to me again.

1 week
7 days
168 hours
10,080 minutes
604,800 seconds
until all hell breaks loose in my mind again. I've seen bits and pieces of what's to come and it's not pretty. I feel there's nothing I can do but give into the sadness. In so many ways it's comforting. It's constant. Far to easy to give in and not fight what you feel. I feel sick just waiting for it to happen. I've given up before I've even tried. Perhaps because I've learned that it doesn't go away and it doesn't get easier.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Just Some Things..

Most of the time I only want to be awake for about 3 hours a week, and I never want to eat again.
Then sometimes I get real excited about things and I wonder how I ever slept days away and I still do not want to eat that much.
Sometimes I feel nothing is worth it. That this will be forgotten soon enough, and everyone is shitty anyways.
Sometimes I could stay up all night telling you my thoughts on this or that, or planning moments and our lives together for the future.
Sometimes I never want to write or talk ever again. It's all the same cry for attention. I'm the same as everyone I can't stand, pathetic.
Sometimes I just want to get really fucked up and write until it is raw and beautiful and ugly. Makes perfect sense and no sense at all.
Sometimes I spend the entire day thinking about the things I should do while managing to do none of them.
Sometimes all I want is to fall in love for a few days and then fall asleep and never wake up again.
Sometimes I can't think of anything I want in the entire world.
Sometimes I want it all, and then some.
Sometimes I am sweet.
Sometimes I am starving with desire.