Saturday, January 14, 2012

I have nothing better to do

It's been awhile since I posted anything.. Too much has gone on and I won't bother typing it all out. Lately things for me have been... bad. I feel very lifeless. I have no will to do anything. It scares me that I'm perfectly okay with spending all my time in my room. It scares me that I don't see a future for me. I used to have so many plans, so much hope and now... I have nothing.
The past couple weeks there's been a small want to get out of my house and go somewhere, but I've been hesitant to try leaving. Failing isn't an option. Not when it's so likely just to push me off the edge. I hate to say this because I've been proved wrong before, but I think I've hit the lowest point. I can't leave my house at all without feeling the least bit anxious. I hate myself for not realizing what I had 4 years ago or even 5 months ago. Crazy to think that my life got flipped upside down 4 years ago and things have only gotten worse.
Everything little has set me off. Whether it makes me sad or mad. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps because i stopped taking my medicine (that's what my mom would think the cause is), maybe because I'm a girl and a teenager and our moods change fast, maybe that's just how it is for me. I hate snapping at family because of my moods, it makes me feel guilty. My emotions change so fast that I don't even know what I feel any more. I've stopped trying to keep up. I feel how I feel and I'm not going to try and figure out why.
If I had found a therapist that might be able to help me out, I don't even know if I'd bother even trying. Out of rage I've said before how done I am trying, but this feels more serious. It feels like I really am done trying. I really don't care any more. I'm so incredibly tired and I'd rather be dead than going through the process of getting better.
 I've been thinking about if there is a time that it's acceptable to give up. Or rather if there's anyone out there who believes it. I won't ask, it'd only give people the wrong idea. I'm sure 90% of all the people out there would say to keep trying and to never give up. There has to be some quality of life to continue on right? Is suicide okay if the problems will always be there?

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