Monday, December 31, 2012

A Few Steps in the Right Direction

I'm sure this whole I can do it attitude, take care of life thing will probably wear off soon, but oh well. I've decided today that I'm gonna do some things I've been neglecting to do..



Step two and so on:
Eat something
Take a small walk
Once my mom gets home spend an hour or a little more upstairs actually talking

The rest of the day doesn't matter.

Doesn't seem to hard huh? We'll see...

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Why Am I Not Good Enough For You?

I've been giving a lot of thought as to why I'm not good enough for others lately. Why am I always a friend, not a best friend? Why am I second best to others? Why am I there for everyone, and why is no one there for me?

I have maybe, one person I would consider my best friend.. but we aren't as close anymore. Lately I've been wondering if this friendship is dying very slowly. I feel like I can see it happening and I don't know what to do to stop it. I need him. I don't have anyone left...
There's someone else that is nice and we talk, but I feel like it's just small talk. I really don't know much about him, and considering as many times as we've talked you think I would, don't you? I'm not sure if I put up some wall that neither of us can get past, or maybe we just aren't meant to be close friends. Maybe I've simply forgotten how to connect to people.
Can one forget how to do something that comes so naturally? Can one re-learn how to do these things that we learn when we're young? Have I become something less than human, because I can no longer do the things everyone can? Can I ever fix this mess my life has become?

I can't take this loneliness anymore. I can't always be with the one who hates me most. I can't only be with me. I am simply my own worst enemy and it's tearing me apart.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Welcome To The Future

I am 95.64% sure that I'm done hoping that I get this anxiety issue sorted out. Most of the time I've said I'm done trying, but this is a bit different. This time this isn't the depression talking. This decision hasn't been made because I'm having a rough time. I'm still completely open to trying to fight through it. I am, however, done with hoping we're going to find a way for me to get over it.  The frustration of not getting any where has just finally worn me down to a point where I'm just going to accept that I'm going to be 40 years old and still living in this poor excuse for a town. People will probably say there's hope and there's a solution.. maybe there is, but I'm looking at the past 4-5 years of my life and there's been no progress made. In fact things have become worse. What makes everyone think that someday I'll find a solution to this? I can't keep hoping that someone's going to find an answer. It leads to too much frustration, disappointment, and anger.

Once upon a time I had things figured out. Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and who I was going to be. I was excited to grow up and start my life. My goals were completely reachable. Of course that was before my life completely fell apart. My future now has become so much different. Instead of going to college, I'll be lucky if I even finish high school. Instead of moving a few states away or halfway across the US, I'll be lucky if I ever move out of my parents house. Instead of helping save animals around the world, I'll be lucky if I can even save myself. Accepting that this has become what my future looks like is hard. I try not to think about it too much. It wouldn't change, even if I did. So welcome to the future Shayna. Seems like you have a lot to look forward to.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Goodbye's are Always the Hardest

Most people that know me at least a little know that social interaction isn't a big part of my life, but over the past 7 or so months I've become attached to the extra person I got to spend my days with. Someone other than just my parents. Someone to do stuff with, a friend. The time we have together has now come to an end and dealing with this is almost impossible.
It's hard to breathe through the lump in my throat. The next few days will be... interesting. She's not even gone and I don't feel like eating.. moving.. doing anything but sleeping. Now normally I would just say this is because I'm tired, but I know this time I won't wake up with the energy to face the day and my anxiety, I know I will be reduced to the lifeless zombie I used to be. I cannot fathom how I survived day to day without giving into my inner demons. I wish I didn't have to go back to that.
However that's life.. my life at least and until I can find a little bit of hope and light again, I will merely exist, locked in a battle with my own mind.
So hopefully this got across how rough things are for me right now, and well if it didn't oh well.. To my friends online I'll be back when I can be.


Thanks for bringing a little light to the darkness. :) 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

One More Time

I'm sitting here staring at the medication on the floor, debating whether or not I should bother taking it. She's leaving and I know it won't matter if I take it or not when she's gone. I'm going to be depressed. That's just that. Things are simply losing all meaning to me again.

1 week
7 days
168 hours
10,080 minutes
604,800 seconds
until all hell breaks loose in my mind again. I've seen bits and pieces of what's to come and it's not pretty. I feel there's nothing I can do but give into the sadness. In so many ways it's comforting. It's constant. Far to easy to give in and not fight what you feel. I feel sick just waiting for it to happen. I've given up before I've even tried. Perhaps because I've learned that it doesn't go away and it doesn't get easier.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Just Some Things..

Most of the time I only want to be awake for about 3 hours a week, and I never want to eat again.
Then sometimes I get real excited about things and I wonder how I ever slept days away and I still do not want to eat that much.
Sometimes I feel nothing is worth it. That this will be forgotten soon enough, and everyone is shitty anyways.
Sometimes I could stay up all night telling you my thoughts on this or that, or planning moments and our lives together for the future.
Sometimes I never want to write or talk ever again. It's all the same cry for attention. I'm the same as everyone I can't stand, pathetic.
Sometimes I just want to get really fucked up and write until it is raw and beautiful and ugly. Makes perfect sense and no sense at all.
Sometimes I spend the entire day thinking about the things I should do while managing to do none of them.
Sometimes all I want is to fall in love for a few days and then fall asleep and never wake up again.
Sometimes I can't think of anything I want in the entire world.
Sometimes I want it all, and then some.
Sometimes I am sweet.
Sometimes I am starving with desire.

Friday, January 27, 2012

What to do..

Yesterday a little puppy showed up on our doorstep. Being the people we are Nikki and I took her in for the night. We found her a new home. (her previous owners neglected her. She's REALLY skinny.) When I woke up and went upstairs I was pretty grumpy, but seeing this puppy running around and being all happy completely turned my mood around. It got me thinking and I realized that I miss fostering dogs for the Northwest Kansas Humane Society. There's several problems that I think would prevent this from happening. The first being that I couldn't actually go to the shelter to get the dogs or bring them back. I don't think my mom would wanna do that for me. Second of all we have 5 dogs in our house! (7 at the moment because of the puppy and my grandma's dog.) I'm starting to get bored with my everyday routine again and I'd just like something to fill it up. Something that doesn't require me to leave my house. I'm not quite sure what else I could do that wouldn't involve leaving my house, but at the same time helping someone out. I guess, depending on what mood my mom is in tonight when she gets home, I'll ask about it (again).

Day 11- What's In My Makeup Bag or Purse

In my makeup bag, 3 eyeliner pencils, some foundation, tube of mascara, eyelash curler, teasing comb, like 7 barrettes, my hair brush, a baby spoon (for getting the last of the hair dye out of jars XD), a few makeup brushes, and a pink/brown/white eye shadow thing.

HOW exciting :D

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Day 10- Favorite Place to Eat

Well... I don't have one. I enjoy several restaurant's foods, but I get really uncomfortable when I eat out. I need to eat at my home, by myself or around family. I really can't eat around people I'm not familiar with.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Day 9- Last Thing I Bought

The last thing I bought was hair dye, a bowl, and the brush type thing. It's been awhile since I have bought anything, but yeah. :)

Day 8- Song That Matches My Mood

A song that probably fits my mood any time is Never Surrender by Skillet.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 7- Dream Wedding

Well... there's not much to say here. I'm not into getting married so if I ever decided to anything that was like just running to Las Vegas or just going to a court house haha.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Day 6- Pet(s) I'd Like to Have

I made it pets instead of just pet. There's too many animals I'd like to own.

First of all I'd LOVE to have a horse or two. I really enjoy riding and would like to be able to whenever I want. I would also like to get to know more about the care of horses and their behavior.

Second, a chinchilla. When I was younger I saw them in a pet store and wanted one, but my parents would never let me get one. 

Third, a sugar glider. They are insanely cute and not a lot of people have them. 

Fourth, a couple types of bird. A Sun Conure or a Macaw. Again I've always wanted one, but my parents always said no. That and they're expensive.

Fifth, a guinea pig! My friend had one and they're so interesting. The sounds they make are so cool. I love when they purr.

Now if it were safe to have any type of animal I'd most definitely want a tiger! They're gorgeous.

There's many, many more, but I think I'll stop here.

Day 5- Pets

Herbie is, what I consider, my first dog. 9ish years ago we went to the humane society in Goodland, Kansas to see him and another dog. None of us could really decide which dog to pick so I finally said, "I kind of like Herbie." Needless to say we took him home. He's got a pretty funny personality. One thing he does that I always laugh at is after he eats dinner he rubs his face on the couch. It's adorable. A few 
years ago I started to teach him tricks. It amazed me how fast he learned it all.

My second dog was Sasha. After tons of begging my parents finally gave in so we went again to the Humane society in Goodland, Kansas to look at another dog. The dog we went to see already has someone interested and so the shelter owner showed us Sasha. Nikki and I went into her cage and she pretty much had nothing to do with me. All her attention was on Nikki. Again we didn't know what dog to choose so this time my mom picked Sasha. The car ride home we came up with the name Sasha for her and she still was Nikki's buddy. When we got home for some reason she latched onto me! Now she doesn't have anything to do with anyone else but me. She follows me everywhere! I don't know what I'd do without her now. Something I love about her is that she jumps a lot! She has some pretty muscular hind legs. 

Sam was third. My mom, Nikki, and I went to McCook, Nebraska to shop and since that town has a humane society obviously I had to go. We had gone through the kennels and I was drawn to the one Sam was in. I love larger dogs, but there was something about him. Naturally my parents said no, but thanks to my expert begging skills they finally gave in. My dad and I went to go get him and during the ride home he wouldn't stay in the back he had to sit on me. He's such a pain in the butt, but I would never give him up. Every summer we go to the lake and he "swims." Technically he doesn't quite swim right and he tries to drown me, but it's still loads of fun. I always end up with long red marks all over me though. 

Shayla came from us fostering dogs. She had hip surgery so we took care of her while she healed. She had such a unique personality that my parents fell in love with her. It still blows my mind that adopted Shayla had nothing to do with me, it was all my parents. When we went to get her from the Northwest Kansas Humane Society, we found she had eaten her leash! She's something else! Over the year that we've had her, she's turned into a real fatty. Something she does is smiles at you when you come up to her. She looks vicous almost but honestly she's just really happy to see you.

Two pets I didn't mention I have are my bunny named Bunny, and my gerbil name Gerbal. There isn't much to tell about them haha.
Other pets I no longer have that I didn't mention include a dog named Payton, who we gave away. Two dogs named Chelsea and Marbles who died when I was little. Two frogs that died about half a year ago. Two cats named Silky and Stripes who have also passed away. A bunny named Jasper who sadly got killed by my sisters cat Silky. A ferret named Slinki who we gave away. 


Friday, January 20, 2012

Day 4- Perfect Date

I only have a few. I've never been one to have a lot of friends. 3/4 of them are online. It sucks to have them so far away, but completely worth it. I know I can count on them.

So in no particular order...

David.. One of my best friends but also my boyfriend. He's completely amazing. Always making me laugh and always there for me. It still surprises me that even though I have a million and one problems he's still with me. I'd hate to lose him. And since he's probably gonna read this.. I just wanna say thank you so much and I love you :3

Kitty (Nikki)....

First of all.. She's awful weird.... We have our moments where we fight like all siblings do, honestly it'd be strange if we didn't fight. I feel like we've become so much closer over the last few months and I love it. I'm not going to like it when she moves back to Utah. She gives me something to do with my usually boring days. And since I'm sure she's reading this I just wanna say.... Emo4evahot, toytle, BUUURRRRITOOO, and HI BABY! ;) ... PS you fail at mario kart :)

Anna... This is a new friendship but i couldn't imagine her not being my friend. I feel like I can trust her with anything, I don't trust people usually so it's great to be able to talk to her. Also she makes me feel like I'm not so alone with my problems. It's been amazing having someone who understands what I'm going through. <3

Otto.. What to say here.. haha. He's absolutely hilarious and like all my other friends I know I can always talk to him if I need to vent or whatever. Overall we've had a very interesting relationship. That's all I'm going to really say at this point :P

Day 3- Perfect Date

Ok well.. uh... I've never been on a date so coming up with a perfect one is kind of hard. I can't say what I would consider a perfect date but staying at home and just relaxing watching a movie would be cool with me. With all my anxiety going out probably wouldn't happen. So yeah anything that wouldn't involve going anywhere.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day 2

Day 2- Favorite movie

I can't really choose just one. I LOVE movies and I'm not to picky about what I watch.

First of all I love any of the classic Disney movies. I grew up watching them so they'll always be my favorite.

Recently I saw Despicable Me and fell in love with it. I'm not quite sure why. There's nothing about the movie that I don't like. The minions are so cute!

Despite everything I might say I actually do in fact like chick flicks. PS I Love You is another one of my favorites.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Day 1 of 30 Days of Blogs

Favorite song.

Honestly I don't have a favorite song. Any song that I can relate to and sing is my favorite. If I had to pick I'd prolly choose I'll Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie. It's the first thing that popped into my head, but I'm not sure why.
So 10 points for a really short blog post. Hopefully I'll have more to say tomorrow :3


Sunday, January 15, 2012

My Timing...

My timing is so off! It's 5 am and I feel like jumping up, throwing on some clothes and going somewhere. Anyone see a problem with that? Sometimes I feel like when I get the urge to go somewhere I need to just do it, but every time I feel that way it's not possible for me to go anywhere. I believe at times that that is a way to help me get better, because I'm willing to try unlike the rest of the time.
Wish my sleeping schedule wouldn't be wonky all the time too. Oh well..

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I have nothing better to do

It's been awhile since I posted anything.. Too much has gone on and I won't bother typing it all out. Lately things for me have been... bad. I feel very lifeless. I have no will to do anything. It scares me that I'm perfectly okay with spending all my time in my room. It scares me that I don't see a future for me. I used to have so many plans, so much hope and now... I have nothing.
The past couple weeks there's been a small want to get out of my house and go somewhere, but I've been hesitant to try leaving. Failing isn't an option. Not when it's so likely just to push me off the edge. I hate to say this because I've been proved wrong before, but I think I've hit the lowest point. I can't leave my house at all without feeling the least bit anxious. I hate myself for not realizing what I had 4 years ago or even 5 months ago. Crazy to think that my life got flipped upside down 4 years ago and things have only gotten worse.
Everything little has set me off. Whether it makes me sad or mad. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps because i stopped taking my medicine (that's what my mom would think the cause is), maybe because I'm a girl and a teenager and our moods change fast, maybe that's just how it is for me. I hate snapping at family because of my moods, it makes me feel guilty. My emotions change so fast that I don't even know what I feel any more. I've stopped trying to keep up. I feel how I feel and I'm not going to try and figure out why.
If I had found a therapist that might be able to help me out, I don't even know if I'd bother even trying. Out of rage I've said before how done I am trying, but this feels more serious. It feels like I really am done trying. I really don't care any more. I'm so incredibly tired and I'd rather be dead than going through the process of getting better.
 I've been thinking about if there is a time that it's acceptable to give up. Or rather if there's anyone out there who believes it. I won't ask, it'd only give people the wrong idea. I'm sure 90% of all the people out there would say to keep trying and to never give up. There has to be some quality of life to continue on right? Is suicide okay if the problems will always be there?