Saturday, October 1, 2011

Up Again At 3am

Here we go again.. Back with my friend 3am. It's not uncommon to find me up so late. Every other week I'll be up all night and sleeping during the day. I don't hate it. Actually I prefer it this way. Instead of trying not to snap at my parents or making the effort to forget about my problems and have a laugh with my mom, I can act how I feel. Tonight I feel... defeated.

Defeated because I'm so damn tired of trying to ignore my anxiety so I can live a "normal" life. It's nights like this where I wish I could crawl under the blankets on my bed never to get up again. My sister, Nikki, (To see her blog go to http://itsslimply-life.blogspot.com/) is coming home in 7 days. I'm not anxious about this but rather what happens when she gets ready to leave. I have to make the choice on whether I should stay home or go with her. If I didn't have so much anxiety there would be no question about going, but I know so very well that as soon as I leave the safety of my home my stomach will start rolling and won't stop until I return. So often I force myself to leave, to be gone for the day despite the nausea I feel, but to be gone for 2 weeks, maybe even until Christmas, is daunting. For anyone it's easy to go on vacation, to get away for awhile, everyone needs a break right? They look forward to the fun, the relaxation. People might say "oh you'll forget about being nervous and anxious," but the truth is I simply will not be able to ignore it. You wouldn't want to leave your bed if you were sick and felt like throwing up would you? No.. I don't think you would.

Imagine that you're sick to the point of throwing up, but you can't stay in bed. You have plans that you can't cancel. You slowly walk around trying to get dressed dragging out the minutes so maybe leaving won't come. All throughout the day you can't take deep breathes, your minds racing, your eyes quickly search your surroundings, all the while telling yourself that you're okay. You put on a brave face and you try to act normal, you try to have conversations, but find yourself hardly saying anything for fear that you might burst into tears because all you wanna do is go home. If you get a private minute you might silently cry , and you've found, despite your best efforts to find something else, that this is the only thing that makes you feel better. Hours and hours of enduring all of that and you finally are home. You can breathe again.

Any day that I choose to go out I put myself through that.  If I had to choose right now if I would stay here in Kansas or go with my sister I would most definitely choose to stay. I would choose to avoid the anxiety and the pain.

Tonight I ask myself why keep fighting this? Tonight I wonder if going out and seeing people is really worth it? What's wrong with staying inside, hiding behind a computer screen?. Tonight I can't find one reason as to why I shouldn't just surrender and quit fighting to have a normal life.

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