Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Not Enough Time

There's not enough time in a lifetime to explain how I feel. There's a thousand words to use and a million ways to put them together. There's hundreds of quotes I wish I could share. But for now I'll make this short and sweet.

Sometimes my life feels like it's caving in on me. Sometimes I really do feel like I don't want to exist, like I want to just curl up into a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying "i don't want to exist" isn't saying "i want to die". It's saying "i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel."

There's nothing wrong with that, and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

Sucky poem ;)

I'm standing over the open sea.
I want to feel free, like the birds i see.
I want to fly far away and put miles between us.
So I'll walk to the edge and look down at the ruthless water and prepare to jump.
Three words come out of my mouth as I fall, "I love you."
I close my eyes, waiting to be be free.
Free as the birds and the water in the sea.


A big problem I always seem to have to not knowing how I feel. My opinion of myself and the world or my situation changes everyday. I'm not sure what I should do to help myself when I don't know how I truly feel. Maybe I need medication. Maybe I need a therapist. The medication... easy enough to get, but what drug is right?  I realize that finding the right one wont happen overnight but I honestly don't want to go hrough 100 different anti-depressants to finally find the right one. Now the therapist... Where do I find a good one that can really help me around here? Someone that really understands my situation. My last one didn't do much for me. I don't feel like I can find one that can really help me around my area. But when your family doesn't have all the money in the world how do you accomplish that? How can you afford to go to a place hours away once a week or once every two weeks? How can you afford to move? How do you get better when you're backed into a corner with no way out?

Maybe no amount of medication and therapy will help. Maybe it's all up to me. Maybe I'm just tired? I don't know. I wish I had a little direction...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Up Again At 3am

Here we go again.. Back with my friend 3am. It's not uncommon to find me up so late. Every other week I'll be up all night and sleeping during the day. I don't hate it. Actually I prefer it this way. Instead of trying not to snap at my parents or making the effort to forget about my problems and have a laugh with my mom, I can act how I feel. Tonight I feel... defeated.

Defeated because I'm so damn tired of trying to ignore my anxiety so I can live a "normal" life. It's nights like this where I wish I could crawl under the blankets on my bed never to get up again. My sister, Nikki, (To see her blog go to is coming home in 7 days. I'm not anxious about this but rather what happens when she gets ready to leave. I have to make the choice on whether I should stay home or go with her. If I didn't have so much anxiety there would be no question about going, but I know so very well that as soon as I leave the safety of my home my stomach will start rolling and won't stop until I return. So often I force myself to leave, to be gone for the day despite the nausea I feel, but to be gone for 2 weeks, maybe even until Christmas, is daunting. For anyone it's easy to go on vacation, to get away for awhile, everyone needs a break right? They look forward to the fun, the relaxation. People might say "oh you'll forget about being nervous and anxious," but the truth is I simply will not be able to ignore it. You wouldn't want to leave your bed if you were sick and felt like throwing up would you? No.. I don't think you would.

Imagine that you're sick to the point of throwing up, but you can't stay in bed. You have plans that you can't cancel. You slowly walk around trying to get dressed dragging out the minutes so maybe leaving won't come. All throughout the day you can't take deep breathes, your minds racing, your eyes quickly search your surroundings, all the while telling yourself that you're okay. You put on a brave face and you try to act normal, you try to have conversations, but find yourself hardly saying anything for fear that you might burst into tears because all you wanna do is go home. If you get a private minute you might silently cry , and you've found, despite your best efforts to find something else, that this is the only thing that makes you feel better. Hours and hours of enduring all of that and you finally are home. You can breathe again.

Any day that I choose to go out I put myself through that.  If I had to choose right now if I would stay here in Kansas or go with my sister I would most definitely choose to stay. I would choose to avoid the anxiety and the pain.

Tonight I ask myself why keep fighting this? Tonight I wonder if going out and seeing people is really worth it? What's wrong with staying inside, hiding behind a computer screen?. Tonight I can't find one reason as to why I shouldn't just surrender and quit fighting to have a normal life.