Saturday, May 9, 2015

When All You Have Left Is A Date

I was damaged, but because of her I was beautifully stitched. With unconditional love I started to learn to love the life I was given once again. Then unpredictably the stitches were torn out, leaving a wound that still continues to bleed. I was forced to learn to learn to sew with no tools or knowledge of how it's done. No amount of instructions or advice will help me, it's a journey and a skill I must learn on my own. I can only hope that no  matter how many times I ask for someone to explain how to fix myself or how many times I cry because it hurts as I push that needle and thread through my skin, that somehow someone will be there. Unwavering from my side as she was those days when nothing at all felt right.
I began to appreciate what I had much to late. I realized only a few months before that I had everything I needed. I like many others always wanted, never realizing that I had everything. The whole world was right there and it was foolish to spend what little time I had searching for something more.  It was a horrible thing to love something that death could touch, but also such a privilege to be loved so unconditionally, to be everything that a living being wanted and needed. She even in death has taught me so much more than I ever thought I could learn. The lessons I'm learning now are some of the hardest, but I believe are also some of the most important. We can learn so much from those around us and I encourage each and everyone to stop and ask yourself what the people and even animals have to teach. I also want everyone to stop and look at all the wonderful things you have. You may have everything you want and need and not even realize it. Don't realize it, when it's too late.



To my Sasha dog,
You were the goofiest, most loving friend anyone could ever ask for. The love you had for me was conveyed without the need for words at all. I am so very special to have experienced being loved unconditionally. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here. It wasn't only unfair to me to lose you, but unfair to you to be taken so soon. The world could learn so much from you. Honestly it's crazy to think that even though you were just a dog, you knew so much more about life than most people will ever learn. I was there for you throughout almost your entire life and all I can hope is that where ever you may be (if you still are a being) you are somehow still with me. I hope that you don't miss me, like I miss you. This life is much to quiet without you around, the bed much to big and much to cold. I love you more than the moon and stars and I always will <3







Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Looking Back on 2014

This may get depressing.. Brace yourselves


What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?

I had to put my dog to sleep. Hands down the worst moment of my life.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't have any new year's resolutions and I don't plan to have any for 2015 either.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope

Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. My best friend.

What countries did you visit?

None other than the US of course.

What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Half a heart.. To be honest, despite losing the biggest part of my life, I made some good changes and I hope I continue building on what I've started.

What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 9th. Obviously because I had to say goodbye to my best friend. 

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Simply continuing my life when I wanted to die. 

What was your biggest failure?

I was very hard on myself this year.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Other than battling my mental illnesses, no.

What was the best thing you bought?

Probably my mom's birthday gifts. Really any gifts that I've gotten people this year.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mom's. She's an amazing woman

Whose behavior made you appalled?

I don't think I'll name names!

Where did most of your money go?

I have yet to purchase it yet, but a new laptop so I can go back to High School. If I don't buy that by the end of the year then I would say most of it went to movies and books?

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I was really excited to go to the Pet Expo in Denver. It was absolutely fantastic and I hope I get to go again next year.

What song will always remind you of 2014?

Don't by Ed Sheeran

Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

I am sadder, probably the same, poorer

What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had (again) spent more time outside and spent more time exercising.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I had cried a lot less

How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas eve was spent with my grandma, sister and my parents at our house. We had some good food and opened a few presents. Then on Christmas day we opened a couple more presents in the morning and just relaxed. On Saturday I went to my aunt and uncles to spend time with my mom's side of the family.

Did you fall in love in 2014?

Slowly started to fall in love with myself.

What was your favorite TV program?

Supernatural

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. Hate is a strong word and I really don't feel like I 'hate' anyone.

What was the best book you read?

The Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth or Doctor Sleep by Stephen King

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably the 90's alternative station on Pandora.

What did you want and get?

I finally got my service dog application sent in!

What did you want and not get?

I wanted my best friend back. I always will

What was your favorite film of this year?

Gone Girl! That movie is so full of twists and turns!!

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Receiving dead things for Christmas? I don't know. It was honestly a pretty shitty year.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Grab something out of the closet and put it on. 

What kept you sane?

My family. Netflix didn't hurt either

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I can't say I really fancied anyone really 

What political issue stirred you the most?

Probably all the protests regarding police brutality? Does that count? When the verdict was given on the Michael Brown case I began watching live streams. Things got really intense in Ferguson

Who did you miss?

My dog, Spencer, and Michael.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Life goes on.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Things were all good yesterday, then the devil took your breath away. now we're left here in the pain..


Here are some of my favorite pictures from this year! :)






Saturday, July 5, 2014

Loss

I knew one day that I'd lose you. In the blink of an eye you'd be gone. I knew it would hurt. But what I never expected was how many times I would lose you, how many times I would break.

Loss is not a one time occurrence, not a single event.


I lose you every time I look at the space where your kennel used to be, your kennel itself.

I lose you every time I lay down on the blanket that you once laid your body upon.

I lose you every time I cover up with my favorite blanket, the only piece of me that was with you on your final day.

I lose you every time I change the sheets on my bed.

I lose you every time I fill up 4 bowls instead of 5.

I lose you every time I see the ugly pink pillow amongst all the other toys.

I lose you every time it's laundry day and there's clean blankets in a basket but no dirty dog to bury herself in and ruin them.

I lose you every time I eat chicken noodle soup.

I lose you every time I see a picture of you.

I lose you every time I look at the shelf where your collar rests on top of that pitiful paper thin box that holds my best friend.

I lose you every time I wake up in the middle of the night and there's no one to cuddle with.

I lose you every time I come home and you aren't there to greet me.

I lose you every time I look up and you aren't there.


I lose you so many times a day. How I can still manage to live after repeatedly having my heart torn from my chest is beyond me. I'd give anything to have you back.


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking Back on 2013

What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

I am sad to say that I don't believe I have experienced anything I haven't before. I'll have to give this some more thought.


Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I do not remember a time where I made new year's resolutions and I won't be changing this in the upcoming year. I have goals, but I feel like making new year's resolutions is setting me up for failure. 


Did anyone close to you give birth?


Not this year.


Did anyone close to you die?


No, although the loss I went through in 2011 feels like it was this year, as if it just happened.


What countries did you visit?


None


What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013


More hope and motivation.


What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?


I am terrible with dates. There are things I've done that I will remember, but the dates upon which these things happened will remain fuzzy.


What was your biggest achievement of the year?


My biggest would probably be starting therapy for my depression and anxiety. 


What was your biggest failure?


Missing my second therapy appointment. I probably could have handled the situation a lot better than I did. 


Did you suffer illness or injury?


I continue to suffer from many mental illnesses.


What was the best thing you bought?


The best thing? My snaktebites. I love them so much. I feel like I'm a little closer to being the person I want to be.


Whose behavior merited celebration?


This is a tough one. I think maybe my mom's.


Whose behavior made you appalled?


There are several people, but I won't name names. I only hope that in 2014 they learn a little from their mistakes.


Where did most of your money go?


Most of my money was either spent on hair dye or books. I tried really hard not to spend too much this year.


What did you get really, really, really excited about?


My sister moving back home. I knew I'd finally have someone to spend time with. 


What song will always remind you of 2013?


Something by Imagine Dragons, Ed Sheeran, or Fall Out Boy.


Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?


I would say happier. Not by a whole lot, but at least a little.


What do you wish you’d done more of?


Spent more time outside.


What do you wish you’d done less of?


I wish I had spent a lot less time in bed.


How did you spend Christmas?


Christmas eve was spent with my mom's side of the family as usual. I think it was probably the best Christmas I've had in the past couple years. Christmas day my immediate family spent the morning together and then we went to visit my grandpa and spent some time with my dad's side of the family.


Did you fall in love in 2013?


Thankfully no I didn't. I am still a long ways from being ready for a relationship.


What was your favorite TV program?


The Walking Dead!


Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?


No. There's no one I dislike now that I didn't this time last year.


What was the best book you read?


I really liked the Hunger Games, Looking for Alaska and The Fault in our Stars.


What was your greatest musical discovery?


Ed Sheeran and Imagine Dragons. I absolutely love them.


What did you want and get?


More than anything I wanted to find some hope and I got just that.


What did you want and not get?


I would've liked to be able to take a vacation. Perhaps next year?


What was your favorite film of this year?


Tough one. I could not even begin to pick one!


What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?


My sister living back in Bird City.


How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?


Whatever I grabbed out of my closet. I always wore a t-shirt and shorts.


What kept you sane?


I'm probably wearing this answer out, but my sister. I cannot stress enough how much having her home has helped me.


Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


Gavin Free maybe?


What political issue stirred you the most?


Too many. I try to stay out of big debates.


Who did you miss?


My friend, Michael and my brother in law Spencer.


Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


Small victories eventually lead to big victories. Never downplay what you accomplish.


Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.


They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

My Dream Job


What is Your Dream Job and Why?

My dream job seems to change at least every week, but one thing in the past year has always stuck. I discovered the Rooster Teeth Youtube channel and every video I watch only makes me want to be a part of that family. I use the term family because everyone there seems to get along and have a really great relationship. To be surrounded by such creative, nice and simply amazing people makes working there really appealing to me. Coworkers could very easily make your job better or make it hell.

There are also a lot of travel opportunities there. They attend conventions all around the world and if you know me then you know I want to see the world. But then again, most people do right?

All that being said, I am not sure that I will ever really pursue a job there. I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the type of work they do. I've never had the chance to dabble in any of the things they make.

The Rooster Teeth Youtube Channel - (X) and website (X)

I have plenty of other jobs that I would love to do. I've always thought being a photographer, a dog behaviorist, actress, vet, artist, singer, marine biologist, alternative model, wildlife rehabilitator, animal cruelty investigator, and so much more would be really cool. I feel like picking one thing is going to be tough. I want to experience anything and everything. Guess we'll have to wait and see what the future holds for me :)


Next Post: What are 5 Passions You Have?

Blog 1 - 20 Facts (X)
Blog 2 - 3 Fears (X)
Blog 3 - Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents (X)
Blog 4 - 10 Things I Would Tell My 16 Year-Old Self (X)
Blog 5 - 5 Things That Make Me Most Happy Right Now (X)
Blog 6 - What Is The Hardest Thing You've Experienced? (X)